From a Woman Who Survived Mental and Physical Abuse and Fear

I am an average woman who grew up in a city, and like so many of us, have lived through a terrifyingly abusive relationship. I would like to share my story with you so that you will come to believe that there is salvation through prayer, and that no matter what type of situation you are in, the Lord can take you through it!

Growing up, I lived in a small house with my mother, who was a religious woman, and a stepfather who drank; my biological father died when I was 5-years old and on that day I was told he was my dad. I attended church in my younger years, but by the time I was a teenager I had drifted. I never stopped believing there was a God, and I had fear of my sinful ways, but sometimes we go our own way thinking that we know better.

At 17 I met a man who I thought was outgoing, intelligent, and fun to be around. Boy, was I naive! I was a loyal person who wanted to have a good family life because my family foundation wasn’t as strong as I would have liked while growing up. Well, things went sour quickly. The man I was with put the fear of God in me (as the saying goes). I was mentally and sometimes physically abused. I continued to try harder to please him to keep the peace. I prayed and went to church because I enjoyed going although there was a lot of shame and pain carried inside of me. I didn’t want people to know all that was going on in my life. The men threatened that he would never let anyone else have me and that, if I ran, I would come back for my mother or best friend’s funeral. He made me believe that he would kill them to make me return and I believed him so I felt stuck and began to pray against him. I would ask the Lord, “What have I done to deserve this?” Well, 10 years and 2 children later, I was still living in fear. He was using cocaine and crack, lying, and even more abuse followed in our last year.

I continued to attend church, pray, sing hymns in the home, and attend Nar-a-Non for support of families who live with those addicted to drugs. Still keeping a smile on my face while raising my children to be respectful, loving, and good citizens, I continued taking one day at a time while praying it would be my last day with this man. Hiding beneath my smile was so much pain!

I had always thought had truly believed in the Lord but I lived through many terrifying nights of crying, begging for my life, and pleading with this man for my life. The drugs he used made him paranoid and he carried a baseball bat around the house, nailed the windows shut, and moved furniture up against the doors because he felt someone was trying to get him. One night he left the bat on my side of the bed and fell into a deep sleep. I was compelled to pick the bat up and beat him, knowing that I would have to kill him, or make sure I hurt him badly enough so that he couldn’t come after me. I knew that killing him would be wrong, but so was all of the abuse I was taking! I kept thinking of my children and my life; I couldn’t do this to any of us, to possibly go to prison and lose my children and myself! He was not worth it, nor was the Devil. So I lay there, praying to the Lord to stop me from doing what the Devil was urging me to do, and prayed for awhile as thoughts came and went about hurting him. Finally those thoughts came to rest and I didn’t attack him after all.

The next day I was home alone and began to pray again and through this prayer I realized that, after all those years, I really hadn’t believed in the Lord as much as I thought I did in fear of this man. Soon afterwards I met with the Pastor of the church I attended; we prayed together and I accepted the Lord into my life as my Savior. When I arrived home I remember standing in my living room and saying to the Lord, “I know you didn’t allow me to go through 10 years of abuse to let me die and I will NOT be afraid any longer of this person who calls himself a man! I believe in you Lord and you aren’t going to let me die!” After saying this and praying, I suddenly felt a tingling sensation that started at my toes and quickly moved up and out of my body.
For the next three days I didn’t cry or tremble any longer for this man. I read the Bible out loud and sang hymns. One day he stood in front of me as I was singing and praying and, with the eyes of the Devil, looked at me and said, “I cannot fight God.” I looked at him and felt he was no longer in control of himself, that as I stared at him it was like looking at the Devil, himself. He even had a devilish laugh. It was like the Lord and the Devil were having a private battle to see who was stronger!
That night more abuse came, but he couldn’t understand that I didn’t cry or tremble any longer. In fact, he used to make me hold my hands out to watch me tremble, but that night I didn’t. As the abuse intensified that evening I got away from him and ran outside. He caught up with me, but even that late there was a neighbor outside that noticed us and asked if everything was alright. I yelled for him to call the police, which I was never able to do in the past due to fear. The police were called by this angel, the neighbor, and arrived. The children and I went to a shelter in another area and stayed there for a few weeks. I was one of the happiest people there. I felt so secure for my children and myself. I had finally found peace! I continued to pray and believe that the Lord would help me through anything that came before me. I was able to obtain a PFA and I stuck to it, even though I had spoken to him from the shelter because I was concerned about our pet that I had to leave behind. While we were on the phone he kept begging me to come home and promising how he would change, never to hurt me again, and that he would go to a rehab to get better. These were all the things I had heard so many times before, but through the strength of the Lord I didn’t fall for any more promises! I didn’t go back!

It finally ended peacefully and he never came after me, which I always thought he would. I never once got mad at the Lord or turned my back for all that I had been through. I loved the Lord even more and appreciated life because I didn’t have to suffer a single day longer or the rest of my life in that hell. By going through all of this I knew I could face anything that came before me because I knew the Lord would carry me through and that all along he had been there, but that I hadn’t really believed as much as I thought or trusted in Him as I did on my own understanding (the fear of another was a stronger belief).

I would like to conclude by letting you know that, after the terrifying years that have passed, I am very happy and peaceful, have two grown children whom I am very proud of and are doing well. We were also reunited with our pet. I am employed full-time and am now in a 2 year relationship with a wonderful man who believes in the Lord and treats me like I never dreamed possible. I receive form him all that a woman would ask for in a relationship. There are still some times when things get rough, but I know I can get through them with the Lord and that is a comfort to have in my life! He has been there so many times, even after those abusive years. He never leaves us!

So remember: there is light at the end of the tunnel! I did! Just BELIEVE in Him! The Lord is our Savior! Amen.