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RECALL NOTICE

Author Unknown — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 17:37:06 +0000

The Maker of all human beings (GOD) is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart.

This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed “Sub-sequential Internal Non-Morality,” or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.

Some of the symptoms include:

The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this defect.

The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.

The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R. Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component.

No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:

Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Believers’ Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on Jesus.

DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility.

Thank you for your attention!

P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by ‘Knee mail.’

Resume of Jesus Christ

Author Unknown — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 23:14:39 +0000

R E S U M E
JESUS CHRIST

Address: Ephesians 1:20
Phone: Romans 10:13
Website: The Bible. Keywords: Christ, Lord, Savior and Jesus

Hello. My name is Jesus – The Christ. Many call me Lord! I’ve sent you my resume because I’m seeking the top management position in your heart. Please consider my accomplishments as set forth in my resume.

Qualifications

I founded the earth and established the heavens (Prov 3:19)

I formed man from the dust of the ground (Genesis 2:7)

I breathed into man the breath of life (Genesis 2:7)

I redeemed man from the curse of the law (Galatians 3:13)

The blessings of the Abrahamic Covenant comes upon your life through me (Galatians 3:14)

Occupational Background

I’ve only had one employer (Luke 2:49).

I’ve never been tardy, absent, disobedient, slothful or disrespectful.

My employer has nothing but rave reviews for me (Matthew 3:15-17)

Skills Work Experiences

Some of my skills and work experiences include: empowering the poor to be poor no more, healing the brokenhearted, setting the captives free, healing the sick, restoring sight to the blind and setting at liberty them that are bruised (Luke 4:18).

I am a Wonderful Counselor, (Isaiah 9:6). People who listen to me shall dwell safely and shall not fear evil (Proverbs 1:33 ).

Most importantly, I have the authority, ability and power to cleanse you of your sins (I John 1:7-9)

Educational Background

I encompass the entire breadth and length of knowledge, wisdom and understanding (Proverbs 2:6).

In me are hid all of the treasures of wisdom and knowledge (Colossians 2:3).

My Word is so powerful; it has been described as being a lamp unto your feet and a light unto your path (Psalms 119:105).

I can even tell you all of the secrets of your heart (Psalms 44:21).

Major Accomplishments

I was an active participant in the greatest Summit Meeting of all times (Genesis 1:26).

I laid down my life so that you may live (II Corinthians 5:15).

I defeated the archenemy of God and mankind and made a show of them openly (Colossians 2:15).

I’ve miraculously fed the poor, healed the sick and raised the dead!

There are many more major accomplishments, too many to mention here. You can read them on my website, which is the Bible. You don’t need an Internet connection or computer to access my website.

References

Believers and followers worldwide will testify to my divine healings, salvation, deliverance, miracles, restoration and supernatural guidance

In Summation

Now that you’ve read my resume, I’m confident that I’m the only candidate uniquely qualified to fill this vital position in your heart. In summation, I will properly direct your paths (Proverbs 3:5-6), and lead you into everlasting life (John 6:47). When can I start? Time is of the essence (Hebrews 3:15).

Please forward my resume, you never know who may have an opening!

Thanks for your help and may God bless you!

Special Brownies

Author Unknown — Thu, 01 Apr 2004 04:10:49 +0000

Many parents are hard put to explain to their youth why some music, movies, books, games and magazines are not acceptable material for them to bring into the home, for their youth to see, or hear. One parent came up with an original idea that was hard to refute.

He listened to all the reasons his children gave for wanting to see a particular PG-13 movie. It had their favorite actors. Everyone else was seeing it. Even church members said it was great. It was only rated PG-13 because of the suggestion of sex. They never really showed it. The language was pretty good. They only used the Lord’s name in vain three times in the whole movie. The video effects were fabulous and the plot was action packed. Yes, there WAS one scene where a building and a bunch of people got blown up, but the violence was just the normal stuff. It wasn’t very bad.

Even with all these explanations for the rating, the father wouldn’t give in. He didn’t even give them a satisfying explanation for saying, “No.” He just said, “No.”

It was a little bit later that evening, that this same father asked his teens if they would like some brownies he had prepared. He explained that he had taken the family’s favorite recipe and added something new.

They asked what it was. He calmly replied that he had added dog poop. But, he said, it was only a little bit. All the other ingredients were gourmet quality. He had taken great care to bake it at the precise temperature for the exact time. He was sure the brownies would be superb. But, even with all the explanations of the perfect attributes of the brownies, the teens would not take one.

The father acted surprised. There was only one little element that would have caused them to act so stubbornly. He assured them that they would hardly notice it if at all. They all held firm and would not try the brownies.

He then explained that the movie they wanted to see was just like the brownies. Satan tries to enter our minds and our homes by deceiving us into believing that just a little bit of evil won’t matter. With the brownies, just a little bit makes all the difference between a great brownie and a totally unacceptable product. He explained that even though the movie people would have us believe the movies which are coming out are acceptable for adults and young people to see, they are not.

Now when this father’s kids want to do something or see something they shouldn’t, he merely asks them if they would like some of his special dog poop brownies – and they never ask about it again.